Coming out from behind the veil as magic and gifted has never been easy.
In a world where women are still devalued, and wise women have been persecuted by patriarchy for thousands of years for being power filled and providing healing and vision from nature and the universe, owning your power and shining your light for all to see can be a daunting prospect.
It certainly was for me.
Part of my divine mission involves standing up, speaking out, leading, and shining in all my glory.
My swearing dishevelled outspoken divine-feminine-rising healer-shaman luminous human glory.
My role here in this life is to shine light into darkness .
To guide as I was guided out from the deepest depths of despair and disempowerment into freedom, love and joy.
To mentor others on their healing and spiritual journeys. A spiritual leader and advisor if you will.
Admitting that role to the world was ridiculously hard for me. Like super ridiculously hard.
I was scared of judgment. Terrified of retribution of some sort. Worried about ridicule and naysayers.
The old “Who the fuck does she think she is?” adage at hearing I was a “Medicine Woman”.
The journey to owning my power and magic has been a long one.
At times an extremely uncomfortable one.
I still have to be vigilant about not slipping into old limiting beliefs about myself.
I have to be vigilant with my self-care, who and what I let in my space, and where I focus my energy.
It took me years to work through the fear and feelings of unsafety about showing my true self.
About speaking out. About shining.
I’d been humiliated, beaten, and worse, for speaking my truth in the past.
I’ve experienced levels of unsafety and harm most people can’t begin to imagine.
But I dreamed of a time where I could stand in my power and speak my truth, especially about healing the spirit, and give no mind to others judgements and opinions of me, my life or my path.
Just be my true self out in the world giving no fucks.
The thought of coming out as magic was way scarier to me than admitting I’d been raped and beaten in a relationship, and still stayed, and seemed much harder than talking about the terrifying night I was almost killed.
But I knew I had to.
My calling was to be my medicine woman self out in the world. Everything I had been through had prepared me for it.
I knew I couldn’t help people if I was denying that part of myself. So I stopped.
The first time I made business cards with “Medicine Woman” on them, I felt embarrassed to hand them out.
I just kept waiting for retaliation.
For confrontation. For abuse.
Slowly I became more comfortable being my authentic self at all times. I was becoming liberated.
Owning my past, my present and my future, and giving no fucks.
Which really helped with being able to be so raw and open in my memoir Double-edged Sword – The Simonne Butler Story.
Telling people I’d had “psychic visions” for as long as I could remember seemed crazy and filled me with trepidation.
The truth is I get premonitions and psychic messages.
“Off with the fairies” they called it when I was a kid. And I was.
Still am when it’s necessary.
Thanks to my training, now I know how to have one foot in each world simultaneously.
I get auditory messages.
I see written words in my mind’s eye. And colours and numbers. Symbols as well.
Sometimes it’s just feelings.
Early on I knew there was something inside me.
Like I had a connection and a calling to something bigger than myself, but I didn’t know what it was or how to express it.
Or who to talk to about such things.
I figured out I saw and felt the world differently to people around me.
That I had experiences others didn’t seem to have, that they deemed as wrong, or even worse, told me I was lying if I spoke up.
So I stopped talking about my feelings, experiences and visions.
I hardened my shell and withdrew.
By about eleven I’d stuffed it away as much as I could. I thought something was wrong with me.
But it never truly left. I just ignored it.
Most of my life I could usually walk into a room and defuse the tension.
Obviously not all the time, (Insert psycho ex with a samurai sword here) but more often than not.
I’m extremely sensitive to people’s projections, fears, pain, anger, sadness and stress.
It hits me in waves, and comes with an overwhelming need to keep peace and order and make everyone happy.
I spent a lot of time fortifying myself over the years to be able to handle my sensitivity.
Native New Zealand flower essences have been my saviour here, as well as incorporating magical ritual, protection, self-love, and self-care into my daily life.
When I first started showing my magical divinely connected self to the world I had two separate lists on Facebook.
I made sure my religious family didn’t see any posts about magic, shamanic healing, my shamanic apprenticeship, vibrational and energetic medicine, oracle cards or metaphysical healing.
I was still keeping myself small so I didn’t offend anyone.
Then one day in my thirties I just stopped hiding. It wasn’t even planned.
All my hard work was coming to fruition.
No more lists. No more filter. Just me. Me being all that I could be.
I didn’t hold my truth back for fear of making others uncomfortable, or not love me.
As I suspected, I was unfriended on facebook by a few people, and I didn’t care.
I let go the fear or judgement, rejection and ridicule.
I let go of the fear of violent retribution for speaking my truth.
I told people on social networks and in media interviews that I undertook and facilitated shamanic healing journeys and performed oracle readings.
I talked about alternative trauma therapies like they were the most natural thing in the world….because they are.
It was empowering and uplifting.
Sure there would be times when self-doubt crept in. Am I good enough to be doing this?
Are my gifts real? Am I just kidding myself? Is any of this real? Is it all in my head?
But the doubt subsides quickly.
Because I know who I am. I know what I’m here for. I’m doing what I need to do. I know what I know.
I connect and tune in every day.
No one can take that away from me.
I’ve got back up. I’m not alone.
Both on the earthly plane and the hidden dimensions.
It doesn’t matter anymore what anyone thinks of me. No approval or permission needed.
It can’t be a factor in what I do, how I practice, where I put my energy, or how I express myself in the world.
I see situations in my mind’s eye, both awake and sleeping, that come to pass exactly as I saw them.
It’s freaky. But it taught me to trust my vision.
I get clear audio guidance most days.
For a long while, that part of me was far removed. I didn’t trust the messages when they came.
For a long time, I didn’t trust myself.
I worked hard to build that trust back.
I had to teach myself how to honour and respect myself. Not a lesson I learnt as a child.
I had to teach myself discrimination and discipline.
I had to learn that I am sacred and worthy.
I didn’t do it alone. I had support as I faced my shadow and exorcized my demons and earned my own trust.
I’ve been working with healers and master shaman off and on for fifteen years for my own healing and spiritual growth, as well as formally studying the healing and shamanic arts in one form or another for over13 years.
I’ll never stop studying. There is always more to know, both about myself and the cosmos.
I am a work in progress. I most probably always will be. I have a lot to learn.
However I have learned a lot. A whole fucking lot!
I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and my life is not free from challenges.
But I know my truth. I know my magic.
I know how much value I have.
I will stand in my power and shine regardless.
I have come out from behind the veil and there is no going back.