One of my well-meaning and mischievous friends gave my phone number to a singles activities dating club last week. The lady that phoned me was very surprised when I declined her offer to join and meet the man of my dreams, who was apparently already waiting for me. After all, I’m 39 and have been single most of the last decade. Shouldn’t I be chomping at the bit to get a man?
Some of my friends, especially the married ones, won’t believe I’m truly healed and happy until I’m married with horses. Until I’ve got a strong and gentle man who’ll check my oil and tyre pressure, who’ll loosen up my hips for riding with lots of good loving and kiss me hello and goodbye every day. I’m often being growled at for the horde of non-date man friends I’ve accumulated, for putting possible sexy time playmates in the friend zone and for turning down suitors even before they’ve had a chance to wine and dine me. “Just pick one Simonne!” “There are men out there willing to love you right now if you’d let them!”
What no one seems to understand is, for now, I’m happy being single. There is no missing piece of me that needs someone else for completion. There is no hole deep inside me that only a man can fill….hahahaha get your mind out of the gutter, this isn’t that kind of post…………………………….today!
I’m not anti relationship. I love the idea of my man, who has my back always, wrapping his strong sexy arms around me and waking up next to him every morning. The idea of having a partner who supports my visions, aspirations and spirit driven life turns me on no end. I do find it ridiculously sexy if my man maintains my car. I really do. But that doesn’t mean I want one right now. Sure, sometimes I fantasise about how nice it would be to be told that everything’s going to be ok while my man stares lovingly into my eyes and holds me close. Who doesn’t?
However, I don’t need a man in my life to be whole, to feel good about myself or to feel loved and supported. Or even sexy.
My role here and now is as writer, healer, shaman, trail blazer and pioneer. My job is standing for the sacred and bringing the world the ancient healing wisdom it needs in this new age, and I’ll fulfil that role with or with out a man by my side.
I am my own hero. I save myself. I soothe myself. I make myself happy. I love and respect myself completely. I can check my own oil and tyres. I even ride a white horse for goodness sake!
Once upon a time part of the reason I was single was because I didn’t trust my decision making skills regarding men and I was scared of losing myself, but that is no longer the case.
I know I am discerning enough, strong enough, empowered enough and wise enough to make decisions in my best interest and in accordance with my destiny. I know I’ll never lose myself in relationship again. That fear has long since died.
I do however have to remain vigilant, just in case. I was totally crushing on Ray Donovan the other month, so I took a good look at myself and re-examined my decision making skills. I was supposed to be over the whole wounded man-child, can’t keep it in his pants, ultra-violent tendencies, lying and controlling type, and if Ray was getting me all hot and bothered maybe there was reason for concern? Maybe I shouldn’t trust myself? But there is not and I do. Having a crush on a bad boy tv character is actually the healthy way to do it. He is fiction and fantasy and in the real life world of Simonne Butler, Ray and Rayalikes don’t get a look in.
I was in a brief relationship a few years ago and when I ended it he said “But why?” and I responded, standing in my power, without fear of retribution, “Because this is what I need.” In that moment I was the strongest and most empowered I’d ever been. I was truly my own hero and saviour. The warrior, steadfast with my boundaries and honouring my needs. Granted, he was a lovely guy with no violent tendencies and I knew I wasn’t going to get a hiding for saying I wanted out, but it was empowering all the same. It was when I really realised how truly powerful I was and how no matter what, I had to speak my truth and let go of all of the fear inside me.
There is no doubt in my mind that when the time is right my man and I will eventually come together and enhance each other’s lives no end…but I’m in no rush. I love my life just the way it is.
I am fearless. I am happy. I am complete.
Photo by Georgia Bannan-McGill from the behind the scenes Woman’s Day and Anna Low Horse Productions shoot.